A couple weeks ago, I wrote a post about my graduation anxieties, about leaving an entire life of people and spaces I once considered to be mine. I don’t have a coping formula, but I may be on to something decent. The original post can be found here.
Even with college coming to a close, I’m still in denial that my time at BSU has an end-date. I’ve spent the last few weeks drifting in and out of varying states of mind (and let’s be honest, emotions) pertaining to my graduation ceremony and, afterward, post-grad life.
But I’ll save my talks about career and future anxieties for another post. For now, I’d like to talk about the feeling of leaving this place behind, because that is the first step to entering the new world beyond BSU. So here are some anxieties I’ve experienced the past few weeks directly related to campus life, and how I’m attempting to manage them.
I’ll never see my friends again
It’s something we don’t seriously talk about, but that hovers over us in these last weeks, and slips its way into conversations late at night after a few or between jokes, cushioned by the casual tone of banter. My coworkers joke that they wish they could keep me and carry me on their shoulders, like a Good Angel, after I graduate. But the joke hides some truth that no matter how hard we try to keep in touch, some part of this relationship will be lost. I will not be there for all the mundane, silly moments at work. Dropping in and out of their lives now and again will not be the same as the day-in-day-out we’ve experienced together the past few years.
Weekly meet-ups at Acoustic Night, sitting in my friend’s campus apartment cooking cheap food, being able to manage multiple meet-ups and hangouts within one day…I’m not in denial that these things will be gone. But that doesn’t mean the people will be gone, or that new moments with them don’t await.
This doesn’t mean things will be the same. They will be different, but new memories can be made in new times and spaces. Not all the people I treasure right now will remain in my life, but the ones who I seriously care about, and who seriously care about me, will. I am still in-touch with my lifelong best friend and all my best friends from high school. I know I can do this, because I have. If you are not someone who keeps in touch with people well, think closely about who you are leaving behind. If someone doesn’t make that list, fight for them. These people will continue living after graduation, and we can still be a part of their lives if we pick up and the phone and try.
This world is moving on without me
Feeling inconsequential in a world that once depended on me is not a great experience. But after the unveiling of The Bridge last week, I realized it was, in fact, my last Bridge. After I leave, some new English major will take my podium as Editor-in-Chief, and probably do an amazing good job of it. The Writing Studio, my second-home the past two years, will hire amazing new consultants and although my coworkers say they want me to visit next year, I’ll be like a strange phantom lingering between consultations, recognized by barely half of the remaining staff.
But I will leave behind a physical copy of each of the volumes of The Bridge I worked on, and new volumes will not erase that. I have, somehow, left a footprint on this campus that cannot be erased by time. My Writing Studio clients and regulars will graduate and my photo will be moved from the white board and into the photo graveyard in our supplies cabinet. Still, the students I worked with as well as my coworkers and I will carry our stories and our laughter with us no matter how far behind BSU seems.
So no, it’s not a great feeling to leave, or to see how easily some other passionate academic can replace me. But I did exist here in my time, and that time…that mark, will always exist.
Then I realized…
Before my final Honors Dinner, I laid down on a bench in RCC with my girlfriend. Bastielle’s Icarus echoed off the high ceilings and as we chatted, I watched the quiet room around me and realized that upon graduation, I’d physically be leaving this place behind, each nook and cranny of this campus. This physical home of mine, each step I’d taken for granted on my daily commutes, would no longer be a part of my life. Even this small space in RCC, where I could lie and listen to music while waiting to attend an event, would no longer be my own.
But a building is just a building, I realized, unless I am there. To each person who walked through RCC, or any other part of campus, the space around them only matters so long as they are there, interacting with it, and bringing their own thoughts, feelings, and actions into it. RCC was not an active part of that quiet moment of mine. The talks, the setting, and music: it was all me. And I will bring me wherever I go, to whatever new space I will fill, and make that space my own. My home.
And I realized, for the first time, that wherever I end up, I will be okay. I have loved my time at Bridgewater, but that is because this place allowed me to be me, and to figure out who that was. Now, I will take that person with me wherever I go in life. And because of that, I will be okay.
I will miss BSU, but the moments I’ve shared here will not stop existing once I leave, and the things I love about my life and lifestyle will not stop just because I move. My life is not ending, nor is it in any cliche way “just beginning.” It is continuing.
We will be okay.